Concussions, Confessions, and Cancellations

The past few months have been completely new territory for me. I’ve never really been the clumsy accident prone type - that was more my sisters thing-love her to pieces though!

I feel like I want to wear a helmet everywhere I go and just wrap me up in bubble wrap…or maybe I’ll never leave the house again, we will see how this goes... (kind of kidding - kind of not)

In February I was leaving a fun, fancy event and slipped on some uneven wet ground and hit my head. I never blacked out, I remember the whole thing. Including a nice person helping me up saying “Are you ok?? You hit really hard!” I said “Yes, thanks I’m ok. My husband is right there he just pulled the truck around to get me.” (It was raining really hard and he’s a gentleman and sweet)

That was it, simple and quick, I thought it was over. The next few days I didn’t feel right, but it wasn’t until day 4 I agreed to get checked out at the ER. They said it was Post Concussive Syndrome and the only way to fix it was to rest.

Rest.

Their version of rest was do nothing, think about nothing, no phone, no tv, no computer, no stimuli, just rest. I was in miserable pain, so for a while that was ok. It felt like vertigo mixed with explosive pressure. Like my brain was going to explode out of my eyeballs -all the time. If I rested it was ok, but when I tried to do anything it would start again.

I had some gigs scheduled I was really looking forward to and intended to not let this get me down. I waited until it was time to take a shower to realize I could barely get out of bed -how will I play?! Some friends filled in for me. I was determined not to miss any more though. As I got a little better I pushed through.

Confession: Pushing through probably wasn’t the best idea. People kept saying don’t overdo it, but as long as I got plenty of sleep and had my coffee with a few Motrin I could make it through fine. The crash after was usually rough, but do able. The symptoms were lasting for months at this point what else was I supposed to do?!

Once I hit the 3.5 month mark just a couple of weeks ago I realized the headaches and the dizziness were getting a lot less frequent. I needed less coffee and Motrin to make it through days. I had just thought “Wow I think I’m getting better, finally.”

Hello June 6.

My sister in law developed a condition that meant she needed to be induced immediately, she was 38 weeks pregnant with their 3rd child. I told her I could drive her down there, its about an hour and a half away. We had a nice lunch then we were on our way to the hospital. As we were stopping at a stoplight we were rear ended- really hard. Scary few moments as we both realized how hard the seatbelt tightened on us and the whiplash we both experienced. The immediate panic was for the baby, of course. The ambulance came quick and took them on to the hospital. I waited to finish the paperwork etc.

Confession time: In the midst of chaos I stay calm. I can think level headed usually and don’t freak out. But once I get in the quiet and its all over thats when it hits me. This day was no exception. Standing on the side of the road in the madness I was ok, I called who needed to be called, I talked to the police, but as soon as I got in my truck to drive I had a hard time keeping it together. Its like the reality of what just happened sank in. I knew I was sore but didn’t realize my head was hurt again.

My sister in law was sore, but delivered Jasper David at 8 lbs 9oz the next day. We were all so thankful he was here safe and sound. She was Super Woman to get through it.

Unfortunately some of the concussion symptoms had returned. As the adrenaline rush settled the headache and the dizzy settled also. I had a packed weekend full of gigs I had really been excited about but realized there was no way.

The #1 thing the doctors said not to do was get another concussion…you know because I could help these 2?! Here I am though…resting again.

Confession: This time it scares me more. This time I realized I couldn’t have prevented either of these and yet they both have knocked me on my butt. What stops another one?! I HATE feeling fragile and helpless. This time the idea of pushing through the pain and dizzy with medicine, caffeine and sleeping between makes me more nervous for the permanent damage.

So here I am trying to figure it all out, I don’t really have a conclusion to this because I’m literally in the middle of it all. I know my symptoms this time are not as severe as the first one but they are there and what that means exactly I don’t know. - I hear my mother saying make an appointment with a specialist as I type this lol! …I’m going to.

What now?!

I do know I want to play my shows. I had a lot booked for June and a fun summer planned with the kids, but what do I do when I can mask the symptoms but pay for it later …later as in that night with the crash and burn headaches or in 10 years, 20 years…I’m already blonde and scatterbrained sometimes I don’t need that to get worse!

I keep repeating to myself “God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7 because at the moment I need all of that-No Fear and a Sound Mind. It's all scary to know what to do.

Sorry if it sounds like I’m whining just thought a clear update might help with everyones questions about what is going on. Hoping to be 100% very soon and just know I NEVER cancel a show unless its physically impossible …at the moment I am figuring out those limits to what is possible and what is unwise.

This song has seemed to fit so many scenarios and it seems to fit here too. "Resting" is Easier Said Than Done sometimes...